Let's Do Crack!
by Dancing Feather
Summary: Two Trekkies decide to Role Play at 2 something in the morning. This is the reproduction of that sad, fateful scene. :odd enough, hiatus:
1. Shut Up

To all who decided to click on this fanfic, this is your warning now to turn back. This story was caused by two friends who in their great lack of sleep decided to RP Star Trek anyway (which is why the jokes are as bad as the writing). Because this was a past thing, you'd think this would update more often. But you would be wrong.

DF: Dancing Feather, aka Me. STWW: SpeakingThroughWrittenWords, aka that one guy.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Shut Up**

STWW: Your playing Spock AND Kirk. If I'm to get anywhere playing as McCoy-

DF: To get between Spock and Kirk-

STWW: Shut up. We need an epidemic.

DF (as Spock): If you say so doctor.

STWW (maybe McCoy): Shut up.

STWW: It's going to happen on a planet.

DF: A round planet! It's very round. Oh, and it's blue-

STWW: And the ship is spiraling downwards.

DF: That's some strong gravity force. Is it Jupiter?

STWW: No.

DF (as Kirk): Scotty! Do... SOMETHING! (whispering) Your Scotty.

STWW (maybe Scotty): I don' frankly care cap'n.

DF: Fine. All of the navigators are dead-

STWW: Even Sulu?

DF: He was a navigator was he?

STWW: Dammit.

DF: So anyways, McCoy is at the navigations complaining.

STWW (as McCoy): I'm a doctor not a navigator!

DF (as Spock): Why aren't you in the sick bay doctor?

STWW (McCoy): Everyone's dead! I'm a doctor not Jesus Christ!

DF: Meanwhile, a bagillion years ago...

_Blind Man: Please, cure my eyesight!_

_Jesus: I'm Jesus Christ not a doctor._

DF: Annnd now we're back.

STWW: The ship crashes.

DF: (makes crashing sounds)

STWW: Nice. The ship is damaged, but Scotty will eventually save them.

DF: Like Jesus Christ.

STWW (McCoy?): Dammit Jim, this isn't time to joke around!

DF (as Jim): What do you think happened bones?

STWW (as McCoy): What do I know? I'm a doctor not a mechanic!

DF (as Spock): And even your doctor status is questionable.

STWW (McCoy): Nobody asked you!

STWW: I want them to beam up- er, down.

DF (Jimmy Boy): Scotty, beam us down!

STWW (Scotty): Aye cap'n.

STWW: He beams the trio down, with a few red shirts because Scotty needed a pick-me-up.

DF: Nothing improves a day faster than dead crew members.

STWW: Shut up. It's night time on the planet. But you could feel heat steadily rising off the surface.

DF: That's hot.

STWW: Shut up.

DF: If the planet is that hot, won't they die when the sun rises?

STWW: No. It turns out that the planet is blue due to the atmosphere. There are brown dirt and rocks everywhere.

DF: Spock feels like things are getting repetitive.

STWW: Nobody cares what Spock thinks.

DF: Spock's hurt by that statement.

STWW: That's an emotion.

DF: Yea, on the inside. Where it counts. (20sec blank stare pause) Alright, so why did they beam down?

STWW: There was a cry for help... assistance. Screw this, I need a drink.


	2. Dead

**Chapter 2: Dead**

DF: So what are they heading for? Village, city...?

STWW: They don't head anywhere, there are dead bodies everywhere.

DF: Oh, snap!

STWW: Indeed, there are trees.

DF: Ah, a change of scenery. (clears throat)

DF (Kirk): Check for pulses! Find... someone... who. Is. Not. Dead.

DF: Kirk kneels down dramatically in front of a dead person as the red shirts scout off to their deaths. What does this person look like?

STWW: Dead.

DF: No shit.

STWW: Okay, it's a male human. Very pale, very dead.

DF (Kirk): Bones, how long have they been dead for?

STWW (Bones): There's one who seems to have been dead for weeks, and there's a little girl who just died an hour ago. An HOUR ago Jim!

STWW: Kirk looks at the dead man again. He notices how frightened the man looks, his eyes are wide, almost bulging out. And his mouth is open wide, reveling no saliva as the sun has probably passed over him several times.

DF: Did he die of fright?

STWW: Yes.

DF: Did they all die of fright?

STWW: Yes, but no one knows yet.

DF: Did you know if someone becomes extremely frightened, parts of their hair go white?

STWW: Really?

DF: Yea, the color gets sucked away.

STWW: Really?

DF: Really. Do I have to remind you who had Psychology class? (waits for an answer that never came)

DF (Kirk): They... almost. Look... scared.

DF (Spock): Yes captain, all of them looked very terrified.

STWW: The threesome hear screaming in the distance. (DF giggles at the word threesome.)

DF (Kirk): How many times do I have to tell you guys to supervise those red shirts?

STWW: Some more screaming and then silence.

DF: Kirk and friends run through many scenes of dirt and rock and they find...

STWW: One of the red shirts.

DF (Kirk): He's dead Jim! (is glared at) Oh, wait. That's me.

DF (Spock): Captain, are you alright?

STWW: McCoy stares at Kirk for a moment before turning to the man in red and checked his pulse.

STWW (Bones): He's dead Jim.

DF (Spock): I believe the captain had already made that clear doctor.

STWW (McCoy?): Dammit.

DF: What time is it?

STWW: I dunno.

DF: (looks) It's two something. The book is blocking the rest of the clock.

STWW: Why don't you get up to check?

DF: Are you kidding? I'm an American!

STWW: (sighs)

DF (Kirk): What did he die from Bones?

STWW (bones): It looks like he died from suffocation, but there are no signs of strangulation!

DF: (whispering) Fear of breathing?

DF (Spock): We should search for the other before it is too late.

STWW: It's too late, more screaming. And death.

DF: What is this? Are phobias running like a viruses on this planet?

STWW: It is now.

DF: Sweet.


	3. Nothing Happens

**Chapter 3: Nothing Happens**

DF: So if phobias are running like viruses, won't that mean our fare heroes will contract it?

STWW: Technically it runs more like germs. Easier and quicker spread.

DF: And that's why you're McCoy.

STWW: I can't remember why your Spock.

DF: Neither can I.

STWW: Bones continues to study the read shirt trying to find an answer than the one that seems the most impossible...

DF (Spock): Have you come to a conclusion yet doctor?

STWW (doctor): It takes time to find out Spock!

DF: Spock acts like nothing happened as per usual. Kirk is Kirk. (a pause of silences) Dammit, where are all the hot women?

STWW: They aren't in this episode.

DF: You know what that means...

STWW: It might get serious?

DF: So the Big Mac is touching the dead human, does it spread?

STWW: It already has, it's going to start affecting them soon.

DF: Hehehe! Sweet... Wait, what exactly are they fearing?

STWW: Whatever you want.

DF: Justice will be served.

DF (Spock): Captain, I'm scared.

STWW: Not yet stupid.

DF: Fine, when do they start going nuts?

STWW: Give it some time, and give him a real phobia. Damn it Jim.

DF (Kirk): You can't bring yourself to admit you love me.

STWW: If you continue to pull that crap off I'll make him homophobic.

DF: (laughs but is sad) But everyone loves Kirk.

STWW: Shut up. Have you seen Kirk coming on to any men? (slight pause) Other then Spock?

DF: Yes.

STWW: Sulu doesn't count.

DF: He never does doesn't he?

STWW: And you killed him, you bastard.

DF: Despite these issues, we have more issues to uh... damn.

STWW (McCoy): It looks like a heart attack, but there is no arteries clogged or any of the normal pressures.

DF (Kirk): Maybe it was fear.

STWW: (glares)

DF: Oh come on! Kirk always makes some weird conclusion that is always right!

STWW: I thought that was Spock.

DF: Spock wishes it was Spock. Besides, it's that main character thing. Can't die, Jesus Christ...

STWW: How many times are you going to bring him up in this?

DF: I... Don't... Know... Besides, isn't McCoy the one to bring him up the most?

STWW: That's true.

DF: Maybe we should switch spots.

STWW: Maybe we shouldn't.

DF: Okay.


	4. More Stuff Doesn't Happen

**Chapter 4: More Stuff Doesn't Happen**

DF: Our heroes track around as McCoy checks a few of the many bodies lying everywhere. There are no decent burial grounds to be seen and-

STWW: Have you decided on any good phobias?

DF: Oh hell yes.

STWW: Then let the insanity _slowly_ begin...

DF (Spock): Captain, I'm scared.

STWW: I'm going to slap you.

DF: (laughs) I was making a joke.

STWW: (looks serious) I don't like you.

DF (Kirk): (coughs) We should get back to the ship, see how Snotty- uh, Scotty is doing and all.

DF: Kirk gives a nod to both McCo and Spocko before pushing that thing on his chest.

DF (Kirko): Snotty, beam us up.

STWW (McCoy): I don't want my molecules spread throughout the galaxies!

DF: But everyone wants a piece of McCoy.

STWW: Sure. Everyone is beamed aboard safely-

DF: (deep voice) For now...

STWW: Sure for now. As they start walking to the engine room, they see that the ship is looking a little less destroyed than before.

DF: That's promising.

STWW: Not really.

DF: True.

STWW: Behold! A hot chick appears!

DF (Kirk): Quick Spock! What are my stats!

DF (Spock): She is not integral to the plot and is just there as eye candy for the male viewers of the show. So logically, you have no chance with her.

DF (Kirk): Damn.

DF: I feel for his loss.

STWW: I don't.

STWW (McCoy): Jim! We have more important things to focus on right now!

DF (Kirk): Double Damn.

DF: I think McCoy is jealous that he isn't some hot chick. Kirk decided to get back at McCoy by telling him that he was probably needed at sick bay.

STWW: What are you going to do? Role play by yourself?

DF: You can be Scotty.

STWW: Yay!

DF: A cut scene happens and they magically immediately appear in the boiler room.

DF (Kirk): Scotty, how is she?

STWW (Snotty): She's seen better days, capin' it's going to be awhile.

DF: Spock wonders why it always takes Scotty forever to do stuff.

STWW: It's times like these where characters build up character.

DF: Spock wiggles his eyebrows at Kirk. Kirk returns the gesture.

STWW: Scotty rolls his eyes. I'm going to punch you in the face.

DF: You keep saying that. But I'm not seeing any-

STWW: (is not all bark and no bite)

DF: Augh! Dammit!

STWW: (rolls eyes)

STWW (Bridge): Captain, report to sick bay, there seems to be an issue.

DF: (still recovering) Kirk... is- ugh, wondering if this ship can ever function without... him...

STWW (Bridge): Captain, Dr. McCoy needs assistance.

DF (Kirk): I'm a captain not a freaking doctor!

DF (Spock): Perhaps I can enlighten the situation captain.

DF (Kirk): Thank you Mr. Spock.

DF: Spock nods to his captain and begins to leave, but he pauses at the door as if in deep thought. After a few brief moments he shakes his head as if cutting off a trance. He then walks into the hallway and towards sick bay, leaving his captain.

STWW: What the hell was that?

DF: Role play.

* * *

If any of you readers are sweet enough to care for my condition, don't worry, I'm quite fine. We're drama queens. Just not so much emphasis on 'queen'.


	5. Does No One Want it?

**Chapter 5: Does No One Want it?**

DF (Kirk): Captain's Log, Star Date; 1277.1. Today-

STWW: Oh my God...

DF (Kirk continuing): Today has been really awkward, if I can say that. I think my ship has a crush on me-

STWW: We actually forgot that?

DF (Kirk): -and for some reason, my crew is on edge... as... if... scared.

STWW: Ugh...

DF (Kirk): How is it going, Mr. Chekov?

STWW (yes that man): Not too vell sir.

DF (Kirk): And how is Mr. Sulu?

STWW: What? You killed him idiot!

DF: Damn, now I want him un-dead!

STWW: Well, too late genius!

DF: I really wanted to kill off Mr. Chekov anyways! The bastard betrayed us and went to Babylon 5!

STWW: What does that have to do with anything?

DF: Snorting mayonnaise.

STWW: Ew, mayonnaise?

DF: I wanted something that resembles... drugs... but in crack form.

STWW: How about crack? (five second pause)

DF: Anyways, a Vulcan was sent off to see what the hell is going on in sickbay. DID HE SUCCED?

STWW: Why are you asking me? He's your character.

DF: HE MADE IT IN RECORD TIME.

STWW: Are you done?

DF: Yea, tell Spock the situation.

STWW: While the rest of the ship is looking mildly fixed, the sickbay looks a mess. Cupboards are left open, medicine and other instruments are everywhere. There are also puddles of water, so Mr. Spock should watch his step. Dr. McCoy is lying on one of the beds awkwardly, as if tossed there. Sitting next to the bed is Christine Chapel, a Mary Sue name if I ever heard one, is silently crying while wiping her tears on a handkerchief.

DF: It's not silent to superior Vulcan ears.

STWW: True.

DF: But man! Dude! The head nurse!

STWW: Yea, what of her?

DF: She's the one who has the hots for Spock!

STWW: DUH.

DF: She's the one who had to be forced to make out with him on that one episode...

STWW: The episode where Greek wannabes had telekinesis power because of the food they ate?

DF: Yea! And everyone was forced to make out with each other- Kirk's dream! It's the episode that brought up the question...

TOGETHER: Is it rape if no one wants it?

DF: Thank you, Star Trek. Only you could screw with psychiatry that bad and still make it cannon.

DF (Spock): Nurse...?

STWW (Chapet): Ooh...! Mr. Spock!

STWW: She runs over and clings to Spock, shaking.

DF: Does protocol mean nothing to these people?

STWW (Chapel): Something has happened to the doctor! I... I don't know what!

DF (Spock): Please, calm down. Tell me what happened.

STWW (Chapel): W-we were cleaning up sickbay... a-and McCoy was really angry, I-I don't know why...

DF (Spock): Continue, sweetheart. (STWW coughs) I mean, continue nurse.

STWW (The Sistine Chapel): He started shouting that they were coming to get him-

DF(Spock): Who?

STWW (The Esteemed Chapel): I-I don't know! It was like he was seeing some invisible enemy! And... and after awhile, he said that it was too late to save me and came after me with a mop! I... I had to sedate him...

DF: Damn, you make a hot nurse.

STWW: That it! You're dead! (scuffling is now heard)

* * *

If there is any Walter Koenig fans out there, I want you to know that I think that he is the awesome. I have never watched Babylon 5, so I have no opinion on the show. My dad and several of his friends almost own the entire show on DVD, so I can assume that it's worth watching multiple times in a row. Walter Koenig, if you are reading this, that's good. That means that you are still alive, just keep doing that.


End file.
